Listening Beyond the Words: What Strong Reactions in Conflict Really Mean
Boy with tin can to his ear
Conflict can bring out the most intense emotions in people—anger, defensiveness, frustration, or even withdrawal. But when someone reacts strongly during a disagreement, it’s often about more than the surface issue at hand. Beneath their words and actions, there may be deeper emotions signaling pain, fear, or a desire to feel heard and understood.
When we learn to recognize what lies beneath strong reactions, we can engage with greater empathy and compassion, fostering connection rather than division and begin the process of resolving the conflict. So, what are people really saying when their emotions run high?
As a mediator, it is my job to help identify what lies beneath these strong reactions to uncover the client’s important needs that must be met. I just finished Donna Hicks’ book, Dignity: Its Essential Rose in Understanding Conflict. This has challenged me to reflect on many of the sessions I’ve mediated, to identify where I could have or should have asked, “Tell me more” to attempt to better understand and empathize. Hicks’ extensive research and experience in international political conflicts have led her to identify these 10 essential elements of dignity:
Acceptance of Identity – Interact with people as if they are neither inferior nor superior to you.
Inclusion – Ensure people feel like they belong.
Safety – Ensure people feel safe, both physically and emotionally so they can speak freely without fear of humiliation or retribution.
Acknowledgment – Give people your full attention and respond to their concerns and feelings.
Recognition - Recognize others for their talents and contributions with praise and gratitude.
Fairness – Treat people fairly and equally and without discrimination.
Benefit of the Doubt – Assume that people are trustworthy and are acting with integrity.
Understanding – Let people explain their point of view and actively listen.
Independence – Allow people to be in control of their lives.
Accountability – Take responsibility for your own actions.
When we engage in conflict at face value, we often end up stuck in a cycle of defensiveness and blame. We have all seen this play out in both our personal and professional lives and it’s unproductive and exhausting. But when we take a step back and ask, "What’s really happening here?" we gain a clearer understanding of the emotional undercurrents driving the conflict. According to Hicks, awareness of a violation of one’s dignity can shift the conversation and allow us to respond with greater understanding and compassion. Remember, beneath the words and actions is a human being who, like all of us, simply wants to be seen, heard, and valued.
