Listening Beyond the Words: What Strong Reactions in Conflict Really Mean

Conflict can bring out the most intense emotions in people—anger, defensiveness, frustration, or even withdrawal. But when someone reacts strongly during a disagreement, it’s often about more than the surface issue at hand. Beneath their words and actions, there may be deeper emotions signaling pain, fear, or a desire to feel heard and understood.

When we learn to recognize what lies beneath strong reactions, we can engage with greater empathy and compassion, fostering connection rather than division and begin the process of resolving the conflict. So, what are people really saying when their emotions run high?

Breaking Up Shouldn’t Break the Bank: Divorce Without a Lawyer

When people think about divorce, they often picture courtroom showdowns, pricey lawyers, and enough paperwork to make you want to crawl into bed for a week. What's the first thing you think when your best friend tells you her husband asked for a divorce? "You better get a good lawyer." But why? It is estimated that only 5% of contested divorces make it to the courtroom, meaning most settle out of court usually on the eve of trial, after months or years of litigation and seemingly endless attorney fees.

Most people do not need to hire a lawyer to separate assets and develop parenting plans. Mediation is an empowering, less litigious and less costly alternative where couples can determine for themselves how they want to separate assets and co-parent their children.

Here's how:

What is Mediation? (No, It’s Not Meditation)

When I tell people I am a mediator, they very often look at me quizzically and say, "meditation"? No, mediation. Mediation and meditation—similar in spelling, are vastly different in meaning. While meditation focuses on mindfulness, peace and relaxation, mediation is a structured process that helps people resolve disputes, and hopefully find peace once the dispute is behind you. If you've ever been curious about mediation, how it works, and why it's used, you're in the right place. Let’s explore what mediation really is and why it’s such a powerful conflict resolution tool.

Empowering You to Rebuild with Compassion and Clarity

Life transitions, especially those involving divorce or separation, can leave us feeling like the ground beneath our feet is shifting making each step slow and uncertain. It can be difficult to breathe, difficult to think, and near impossible to imagine the future beyond the next few minutes. I know this because I’ve been there. After the devastating loss of my husband, I experienced the fear and uncertainty of having to start over—redefining my identity, navigating responsibilities, and piecing my life back together, all while prioritizing the health and well-being of my children.

The Power of Making Your Own Decisions

Mediation is a unique and powerful process that empowers individuals to resolve conflicts in a constructive and mutually beneficial way. At the heart of mediation lies a critical principle: the power of making your own decisions. Unlike court proceedings, where a judge or third party imposes a decision, mediation allows you retain control over the outcome. This distinction is essential because it not only leads to more personalized resolutions but also enhances your sense of ownership and satisfaction with the result. Here are some ways you can prepare for your mediation.

You may be divorced but you will never stop being a parent to your child. And neither will your  ex. And that means you and your ex will be co-parents. It’s so important for children to feel  safe, secure and loved by both parents, especially during and after divorce. Your co-parenting  skills and methods of communication directly impact your children. Anger, resentment and  poor organizational skills can cause your child confusion, feelings of being stuck in the middle,  bad behavior and poor school performance. You may be justified in your feelings, but you need  to keep them in check for the sake of your child. This may be difficult if the relationship ended  badly, but trying to maintain a decent relationship, or at least a conflict-free relationship, will  help your child thrive. 

When my husband passed suddenly a few years ago, my first thought was how to tell our children. I had about 20 minutes to consider this as I drove home from the hospital. I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't develop a plan and just laid it out there when I saw them. I often reflect on this horrifying time in my life and wish I could have done better. Although under the circumstances, this is clearly a no-win situation, but it does bring the mind the power in preparation. The good news in a divorce conversation is that you do have some time to plan what you are going to say to your child and how and when you will tell them. This initial conversation is incredibly important as it will set the tone for your divorce and for the future of your family.

I recently travelled to California with my children. We only had about a week and tried to fit in

as many locales as possible. Narrowing my focus to southern California, we flew into Los Angeles and stayed in Santa Monica for the first few days after which we drove down the Pacific Coast Highway stopping over in Laguna Beach before ending our trip in San Diego. With only a few nights in each locale, I didn't bother unpacking and instead lived out of my suitcases. If you've ever done this, you know that it can become an organizational nightmare. I felt like I could never find the items I wanted so I wasn't sure if they were buried or I had forgotten them. I was constantly pulling everything out and shoving it all back in or letting stuff land on random chairs. My toiletries were all over the place and certainly not where I needed them at the time I needed them. It was very stressful. This made me think of kids who travel back and forth between homes. While it is important that children have parenting time with both parents, living together, sharing meals and daily routines, it can often be hard for children to have to pack and unpack, remember to bring what they need, and settle in comfortably in each home.