I Have to Co-Parent with my Ex? Some Guidance

You may be divorced, but you will never stop being a parent to your child. And neither will your ex. And that means you and your ex will be co-parents. It’s so important for children to feel safe, secure and loved by both parents, especially during and after divorce. Your co-parenting skills and methods of communication directly impact your children. Anger, resentment, and poor organizational skills can cause your child confusion, feelings of being stuck in the middle, bad behavior, and poor school performance. You may be justified in your feelings, but you need to keep them in check for the sake of your child. This may be difficult if the relationship ended badly, but trying to maintain a decent relationship, or at least a conflict-free relationship, will help your child thrive.

The 2005 Wisconsin Inter-Professional Committee on Divorce’s Structured Co-Parenting Training includes these guidelines for successful co-parenting:1

Successful co-parents love their children

• This means that as a parent you put aside your personal needs and interests to do what is right for your child

• You also think about what you child’s life will be like when they are older and want to do what is right now so they will have an easier life as an adult.

Successful co-parents separate problems of the spousal relationship for the responsibilities and tasks of parenting

• Co-parents can resent an affair or other relationship and still make parenting decisions with the other parent.

• Co-parents can keep the feelings and issues about how the marriage ended in a box away from the co-parent relationship

Successful co-parents are honest with each other regarding children’s issues • Successful co-parents commit to being honest with each other as it relates to their children.

• Successful co-parents talk honestly about the children and do not engage in discussing non-child related information. It is now none of your business.

Successful co-parents keep agreements

• Successful co-parents keep their promises to each other and their child. • Successful co-parents know breaking agreements leads to chaos.

• Successful co-parents set and work toward goals for their children • First, set goals for your children. What environment or life do you want to create for your child of divorce?

• Second, make plans on how to accomplish those goals through parenting plans and parents agreeing on behavior with each other.

• Third, carry out the plans. Co-parents work at successful co-parenting so that their child is successful in life.

I am certainly not suggesting any of this is easy. However, you can use these guidelines as a lens through which you interact with your co-parent to help ensure your child is happy, health and well-adjusted.

The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced & Separated Parents Make, Rios, Shannon R., MS LMFT, 1 LifeThreads Books, 2009.