Talking to Your Child About Divorce
When my husband passed suddenly a few years ago, my first thought was how to tell our children. I had about 20 minutes to consider this as I drove home from the hospital. I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't develop a plan and just laid it out there when I saw them. I often reflect on this horrifying time in my life and wish I could have done better. Although under the circumstances, this is clearly a no-win situation, but it does bring the mind the power in preparation. The good news in a divorce conversation is that you do have some time to plan what you are going to say to your child and how and when you will tell them. This initial conversation is incredibly important as it will set the tone for your divorce and for the future of your family. I've gathered a few pointers to help you.
Present a united front.
Your children need to know you are both on the same page and you are both going to remain in their lives. To that end, if you and your co-parent are able to tell the children together, plan a time to do so. Think about what you are going to say in advance and what you can tell them to reassure them. Do you need to make notes or write them down? If you can't tell the children together, make sure that each parent is aware of the plan to tell the child and is on the same page with the information shared. Perhaps the other parent is available to talk to the child that same day to reassure the child or answer questions. Reassure your child that you each still love them and will continue to be their parents.
Make a Plan.
Try to have at least a temporary plan for where the children will live, go to school and when they will have parenting time with each parent. This will keep them from wondering and fearing the worst. This may mean that you wait until you have a little bit of information about the future before you tell them. If there are questions that you can't answer, be honest. It's okay that you are still working out details about the future. Tell your children you will keep them apprised of decisions as they are made. Try to focus on what will not be changing. Will they still see their friends, their other family members or participate in the same activities? It is important that children feel a sense of routine and are aware of what to expect, even on a daily
basis.
Follow up with your child.
Your child may be surprised and fearful when hearing this news and not able to fully digest its implications. Follow up to see if your child has any questions or wants to talk or just needs a hug. Remind your child of what is staying the same. Inform your child of any new information they need to know as it becomes available, such as changes to parenting schedules or living arrangements.
Maintain Daily Routines
Maintain close relationships and daily routines to help the child focus on what is staying the same.
Keep adult topics to yourselves.
Kids don't need to be aware of financial or marital issues. If your child wants more detail, let them know that those are adult topics and they don't need to worry about them. If your child wants to know "why" you are getting divorced, keep it simple and age appropriate. Make sure they know the divorce is not their fault. Again, reassure them they are loved and will continue to have each parent in their lives.
Manage your emotions.
Your children need to be assured that things will be okay. If you are angry, complaining about your partner or placing blame, the child may feel frightened
or feel like they need to take a side or even fix the situation. You may not have all the answers but staying calm will help reassure your child that things will be different, but still okay. Remember, the uncertainty of change is frightening and can be paralyzing. You may be feeling this also and can empathize with your children. Your reassurances will help ease your child's fears and allow them to continue to thrive through this process.
