Is Birdnesting Just for Birds?
bird in a nest
Just like birds build a safe nest for their young until they’re ready to fly, parents can create a stable “nest” for their children when going through divorce. Birdnesting is a co-parenting arrangement in which children remain in the family home, while the parents alternate time living there. It’s often a short-term or transitional custody solution, though some families attempt it longer-term. As a mediator, I am always looking for ways to support the interests of families, and birdnesting, while not for everyone, may be an option worth exploring. Here’s some help:
Potential Benefits of Birdnesting
1. Birdnesting is child-centered. The children’s routines, schooling, social life, and physical environment stay the same which may help reduce the trauma of divorce or separation by maintaining a familiar home base.
2. Birdnesting can help avoid disruption during the transition. Sometimes living arrangements take some time to develop or finances are tight. This arrangement can serve as a temporary solution while parents explore longer-term living arrangements. This can also be ideal for young children who struggle with moving between homes.
3. Birdnesting demonstrates parental cooperation and can foster a positive tone for co-parenting and eventual agreements
Birdnesting Challenges
Regardless of the benefits, birdnesting brings its own challenges:
1. Birdnesting demands a high degree of coordination. This means consistent and clear communication, cooperation and boundary-setting. Most of this coordination should happen prior to beginning this arrangement and then reviewed periodically. This will include:
· How will you split the parenting time?
· How will you handle differences in parenting styles?
· Who pays for the home repairs?
· How are chores handled?
· Who pays for food?
· Can guests stay the night?
· Who will do the laundry?
· Will the house be clean when each parent leaves?
· How will you communicate information about the children?
· How can you ensure privacy?
· Where will each parent sleep?
· How often will you review the parenting agreement?
· What is the backup plan if birdnesting does not work?
2. For some, birdnesting may prolong any emotional entanglement. This delay in emotional separation may reinforce current dysfunctional dynamics or lead to blurred boundaries, causing confusion with parents and for the children. Also, this may cause complications when one or both parents start dating.
3. Birdnesting may be expensive. Running three households (family home + each parent’s separate housing) can be more costly than expected, depending on the living arrangement of each parent when living separately. Some people may be able to rent a room or live rent-free from a family member. For others, a separate apartment may be necessary which will incur an additional cost.
Are We a Good Fit for Birdnesting?
Birdnesting may seem child-focused and creative — and it can be — but it only works if both parents are suited to the unique demands of this arrangement. Here are key dimensions couples should reflect on (with or without a mediator):
1. Level of Trust and Communication
Ask Yourselves:
Can we make day-to-day decisions calmly and respectfully?
Do we trust each other to follow through on shared responsibilities?
Are we able to have logistical conversations without spiraling into conflict?
Watch out for:
History of broken agreements, secrecy, or manipulation
Communication patterns that quickly become accusatory or hostile
2. Ability to Set and Respect Boundaries
Ask Yourselves:
Can we each have private time and space in the shared home?
Are we both willing to respect boundaries around personal belongings and privacy?
Can we make — and stick to — rules about guests, including overnight partners?
Watch out for:
One or both parties struggling to let go of the emotional relationship
Lack of agreement about how new romantic partners fit into the picture
3. Clarity About Parenting Roles
Ask Yourselves:
Can we maintain consistency in parenting when switching roles?
Are we aligned on household expectations (homework, meals, screen time)?
Do we have a method for resolving parenting disagreements?
Watch out for:
Frequent conflict over parenting decisions
Undermining each other’s authority with the children
4. Financial and Logistical Readiness
Ask Yourselves:
Can we afford the costs of running two or three living spaces?
Do we agree on who pays for what — mortgage, bills, maintenance, etc.?
Are we comfortable co-managing expenses without resentment?
Watch out for:
Ambiguity about finances
One parent bearing more costs or labor without agreement
5. Emotional Readiness for Separation
Ask Yourselves:
Are we truly ending our romantic relationship — or postponing the grief?
Are we each taking steps toward emotional independence?
Can we let go of controlling each other’s schedules, routines, or social lives?
Watch out for:
One party seeing birdnesting as a chance to rekindle the relationship
Avoidance of deeper emotional separation under the guise of “putting the kids first”
6. Shared Goals and Time Horizon
Ask Yourselves:
Why do we want to try birdnesting? What problem does it solve?
Is it a temporary transition, or are we hoping for a long-term model?
When will we review how it's going, and how will we know when it’s time to stop?
Watch out for:
No clear plan or timeline
One party feeling trapped or ambivalent
How A Mediator Can Help
A trained mediator can help you fully understand the concept of birdnesting and can guide you to explore it thoroughly. We can also help you work through the logistics of how birdnesting will work ahead of time so you enter the arrangement with clarity. Together, we can clarify logistics, communication plans and timelines in addition to weighing the financial and emotional aspects of birdnesting.
For more information, see The Parent’s Guide to Birdnesting: A Child-Centered Solution to Co-Parenting During Separation and Divorce, by Ann Gold Buscho as well as The Nesting Experiment: Two Divorces, Seven Kids and Six Years of Uncomfortable Cohabitation by Kathleen Brigham and Chris Dugan.
